In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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