her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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