I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
