We won't sleep together?
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
