Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
