Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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