I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
