sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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