K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
