dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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