I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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