we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats