i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
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Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
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Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner