I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.