I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
