I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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