i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I am spending my child support on dildos
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
