I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
