Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
