When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
