really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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