at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
