oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
