Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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