Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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