The maid of honor just puked.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
