remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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