Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Randomize
