she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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