i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
