How'd it feel making her break her religion?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
