Jerry, you need to find god
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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