I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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