he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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