Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
smell my finger.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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