you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
