I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
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i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
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That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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