Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
