member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
