Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
