I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
