I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
