sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
