I wanna bring you to show and tell
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
