A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
