its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
