there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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