My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
