I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
