Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
