a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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