I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
