My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
