i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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