Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
