Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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