I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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